Red Bull: Can of Bullshit

Now it doesn’t bother me that they cost twice as much per ounce as any other energy drink. Or that they have introduced a new and legal high to America. No, it bothers me that Red Bull decided to throw their bullshit Art of the Can in Houston.

Three and a half minutes of bullshit shoveling, courtesy Shelby Hodge (who knows this is beneath her)

Haven’t heard of it? Seen the billboards of bauxite pterodactyls? Or their web ads with a shiny tin cowboy boot? Hmm… then you must not be one of the five hundred artists who submitted to the exhibit. Pardon me while I tell those artists FUCK YOU YOU GOT HOSED. Excuse me, but I had a feeling one of them might read this and I couldn’t resist the urge to publicly insult someone. If you are sitting next to someone who entered the show tell ‘em for me.

Their ridiculousness is only eclipsed by the willingness of advertisers to use, exploit and degrade you. Three things strike me as particularly stupid in this endeavor, an artist’s willingness to forgo one’s judgment of materials, the inestimable monetary cost of the project and the complacency and triviality of the artworld.

Materials, malleable objects and ideas, are explored through trial and error and practice. Conceptual artists screaming in a dark room go through the same shtick as a watercolor artist painting on a Sunday afternoon. Exploring materials, finding what you like to work with is a big part of artistic identity. Warhol had silkscreens, Rauschenberg had ink transfers and Oldenburg had cloth. Robyn O’Neil has pencils, Bert Long has ice and the Art Guys have their bodies.

Why would you limit yourself to a prescribed, corporate material? Barring an intensely enlightened group working together for a very long time I would not believe an exhibit of one material could ever be justifiable. The fact that the show looked like a high school hallway on parent’s night was unavoidable, but shame on you guys for getting duped into thinking this could ever be worth it beyond that navel-gazing moment of delight that comes with being included. On the team.

By the way, in getting on this team, how much did you guys spend on those cans you’ve woven into dragons, mustaches and the Statue of Liberty? Didn’t think about it did ya. Or maybe it just blew by; you were so high on fructose syrup and guarana. No entry fee for the exhibit? What a crock of bullshit. It’d cost you $200 to construct a spaceman out of your product’s encasement. Maybe it only cost a hundred bucks to cover that guitar in $4 eight-ounce cans. It’s kind of like usury.

Arthur shortens his name to 'Art' when he signs a painting.

Does it seem stupid to enter yet? Or would you like to hear about Arthur Vaisvilas’ piece? The hapless son-of-a-bitch drew The Ramones wearing Red Bull t-shirts as they rock out in a stilted colored pencil attempt at thankfulness. Unless you’re in high school Arthur, you should be punched in the face. You might be big so I’m not gonna do it- but The Ramones deserve better. The oodles of cash Red Bull throws around all over the country on fun, stupid shit is reprehensible if you’re not having fun, but if you’re part of the crowd you may feel some sense of elation, like there’s something new happening and you’re in the thick of it. Shut the fuck up. It’s all the caffeine.

The jittery feeling you get sometimes, when it seems like there is a comprehensive, wide-ranging spectrum of artists out there and possibilities for advancement; that means that someone should back over you with a truck. Don’t assume that those collectors and critics at the opening spell validation. I am terribly surprised at the ability to bend over backwards and lower their standards that many jurors demonstrated, as well as the media outlets and even well meaning artists.

Red Bull Air Show, Perth, Australia

Oh, I mean that I’m so surprised that they can do that when there is money involved. Did that slip my mind? Woops. As one juror stiffly said; “don’t take it so seriously, they’re not artists.” I was staggered. I kind of hoped that they were artists. I kind of believe that they are, even Arthur, and they shouldn’t have to go away when the money leaves. The kvetching that went on when the Hunting Prize patronized to artists sent the community into an uproar, but no one takes this seriously? Damned bull, I would have preferred a pinewood derby or an air show, and this will not do. At least it has proven that corporations have an extensive reach in the artworld, and to resist it is futile. I’m not drinking a can of that shit. I’ll drink the Kool-Aid.

July 18

This is filmed according to DOGME rules.

Burning Pertochemicals

Freeways in Houston

All freeways in Texas have feeder roads running along the main thoroughfare. You can U-turn at almost any exit.

Do not depend on the posted speed limit on Houston freeways. Most traffic moves along at 75-80 miles per hour at all times.

Some freeways in Houston have up to 12 lanes of traffic. Many of the wide underground freeways are also retention ponds to slow flooding in the city.

Houston has a “Safe Clear” policy on its freeways to ease the flow; what this means is that if you break down on the freeway you must be off the side of the road within six minutes. If you are having car trouble try to get off the freeway or you will be subject to a mandatory $75 tow. Drivers with flat tires, empty gas tanks and easy-to-fix problems not in main lanes of traffic will be eligible for a free tow up to one mile.

Be aware of the erratic driving of street racers at night, usually on 610 or outside the loop to the west of the city.

I-10 Katy Freeway (E-W) Baytown and Beaumont to the east and Katy and San Antonio to the west.

Don’t drive on I-10. The I-10 and 610 Loop interchange is ranked as one of the worst in the nation and costs commuters 25 million hours of delays a year. If you can avoid the construction between Beltway 8 and 610 Loop on the west side of town then it is not so bad, but it is 12 lanes filled with big rigs on their way between California and Florida. Let’s just say they might be a little sleepy. Allen Parkway and Memorial Drive are two scenic and convenient east-west alternatives to I-10.

Freeway Jim

59 (SW-NE) Sugarland and Corpus Christi to the south and Humble (pronounced Umble) and Texarkana to the north.

59 South is one of the largest freeways in the country. Traffic is heavy outbound most afternoons and inbound on weekdays in the morning. From the Montrose neighborhood you can cross bridges over sixteen lanes of traffic at Montrose, Mandell, Dunlavy and Woodhead.

59 North is a good option to get from the Galleria to Montrose via the Shepherd exit or Downtown via the 527 Spur. The Montrose entrances to the freeway southbound are at Shepherd at Richmond and Richmond at 527 Spur. Exit 59 South at the 610 Loop North to reach the Galleria at Westheimer or the Omni Hotel at Memorial Drive.

45 (N-SE) The Woodlands and Dallas to the north and Pasadena and Galveston to the south.

45 is a useful way to reach downtown, and exits at Allen Parkway and Memorial Drive drop one off in the heart of the city. Driving south to Galveston takes an hour on average, traffic mostly occurs on early weekend afternoons when it is sunny and warm. Expect delays at Clear Lake, but they are usually temporary.

The George (not W) Bush Intercontinental Airport is north of the city located past Beltway 8 between 45 North and 59 North. Either freeway will get you into the city or out to the airport. Travel time to downtown is usually an hour at high speed, but morning traffic in or afternoon outbound can be a headache. Hobby Airport is located on 45 South about 30 minutes outside the city center. The first four exits outside the 610 Loop access the airport, so if you miss a sign it’s OK.

Houston Traffic SUCKS!
Freddieelm

610 Loop

This freeway passes the Port of Houston on the east, the Astrodome to the south, the Galleria on the west and nothing of note to the north. Every 610 junction is a traffic hazard. The traffic on 610 is usually decent except to the southwest near the city of Bellaire. Whenever there is a hurricane people drive around on 610 videotaping the damage and drinking beer in the backs of trucks.

Beltway 8 (Loop) and Sam Houston Parkway and Sam Houston Tollway

The Beltway connects most of the suburbs of Houston. At some points it is free, but at times it is a tollway. If you have gotten on the Beltway at a junction, the first exit afterward is usually free.

288 (S) Begins at 59-45 junction in downtown Houston, south to Lake Jackson and Surfside Beach.

288 can be a welcome alternative to 59 when the freeway is backed up outbound. Use 610 West to arrive at the Galleria.

290 (NW) Begins at 610 Loop northwest corner, west to Cypress and Austin.

Heading to Austin? Watch your speed in the outlying suburb of Jersey Village.

Art Car Parade on Allen Parkway

Other major thoroughfares

Allen Parkway- a pleasant drive along Buffalo Bayou Park, Allen Parkway connects Shepherd Drive to downtown Houston and I-45, with exits at regular intervals. The parkway is a winding road with at 35 mph speed limit. East-West.

Memorial Drive- a bit straighter than Allen Parkway, Memorial runs parallel on the other side of the bayou. From 601 West to downtown, exits are located at Shepherd and Waugh in Montrose. There is no Montrose exit, use Shepherd or Waugh as an alternative and turn left at Westheimer Road.

Montrose Boulevard- Montrose splits from Main Street at the Mecom Fountain next to Hermann Park and proceeds north through the Museum District and the Montrose neighborhood. At Washington Boulevard and through the Heights Montrose is known as Studemont, and past 610 on the northside as Studewood. Some traffic, lots of restaurants, museums and clubs. North-South.

Alabama Street- Alabama runs parallel to Westheimer and Richmond, with the former to the north and latter to the south. It begins in the east at the University of Houston and runs through the 3^rd Ward and Montrose past the University of Saint Thomas. Alabama continues until 610, where it abruptly ends at the Galleria Mall. Alabama is the most laid-back of the major inner loop streets and is recommended if afternoon traffic is bad elsewhere. East-West.

Galveston: Faded Glory

The Storm

Galveston was a thriving metropolis in the year 1900, when a Category 4 hurricane leveled much of the city and was the deadliest natural disaster to ever strike the United States. The vulnerability of the city’s shipping trade encouraged inland development, and paved the way for the Port of Houston, which gave the city its moniker “Where 17 Railroads Meet the Sea”.

Today much has changed in the region, but Galveston is still a city of late 19^th century architecture. Many of the large mansions on Broadway are from the era before The Great Storm. The City Cemetery along Broadway Boulevard holds tombs, statues and graves dating back to 1847, many done in a style reminiscent of New Orleans. Much of the city is still Victorian homes with hurricane shutters, much like Key West.

Much of downtown has been restored faithfully, and husks of old red brick industry are visible from the pier alongside the revitalized tourist industry on “The Strand”. The Strand features many small shops, candy stores, art galleries and margarita stands, attracting many visitors for spring break. Both families and college students flock to Galveston in the spring, and local motorcycle clubs mix with tourists waiting to embark from cruise liners during the summer.

Galveston's beaches are much cleaner than in the past. With the island's population showing greater concern for their environment, washed-up seaweed is now only moved back from the water's edge to allow the natural buildup and preservation of the beaches. Gulf waters are usually quite warm, owing to equatorial flow into the Gulf of Mexico and the shallow waters of the Texas coast. Looking to the future of the energy trade in renewable sources, Houston companies have recently begun exploration to create wind farms off the coast of Galveston.

Moody Gardens

Moody Gardens is a major attraction in Galveston; the three glass pyramids hold an aquarium, rainforest biosphere and science themed activities along with an IMAX theater and Palm Beach, a landscaped sandy area with freshwater lagoons.

Larcher

The Seawall is a great place for a walk on the beach, the wall facing the ocean is covered in murals and large graffiti tags. A 12 foot barrier built to protect the city from coastal flooding, the Seawall’s absence on the edges of the city had prompted most buildings to be built on stilts or risk their lives.

A Little Silly History

Captain Renshaw Blows Himself Up

In the Battle of Galveston in 1862, Union forces occupied the Confederate city for three months, blockading the largest Texas port. Confederate troops covered riverboats in bales of cotton to attempt to armor them against Union cannon. On New Year’s Day 1863 two Confederate riverboats tried to sneak into Galveston Bay. One ship was immediately sunk, and a small ground force was repelled by six Union warships in the harbor.

Confederate Irregulars Force Union Soldiers into the Sea

The apparent Union victory was thwarted when the Confederate Bayou City overpowered the USS Lane’s crew and the USS Westfield became moored on a sandbar. Both sides called a truce to consider their awkward positions. Captain Renshaw of the Westfield botched an attempt to destroy his ship to keep it out of enemy hands, and explosives killed Renshaw and 13 members of his crew. The other Union ships, confused if not defeated, headed out into open sea. The city remained in Southern hands for the remainder of the war, but the devastating blockade was restored in ten days.

Kemah / Clear Lake: The Home of Wholesome

nip2655

Suburbanites have built the Kemah harbor into a beautiful recreation area. Sailboats dot Galveston Bay, and Landry’s Restaurant has developed a Coney Island-style boardwalk, complete with carnival games and amusement park rides. The Boardwalk Bullet roller coaster was completed last summer.

Space Center Houston

Johnson Space Center, the home of NASA, is in Clear Lake. Drawing many scientists and engineers from around the world, NASA and their thousands of contractors have brought a lot of technical prowess and entrepreneurial spirit to Houston, and crossover with the energy industry is fertile ground for industry. Space Center Houston is an attraction at Johnson Space Center geared towards families that features space-themed rides and educational programming.

Galleria: Drive, Don’t Walk

Uptown is what the Galleria Area would like to be called, and in relation to Montrose and Downtown the analogy is apt. The Galleria could give Beverly Hills a run for its money in plastic surgery and Bentleys.

A popular attraction for family photos and romantic walks, The Williams Waterwall is a multi-story sculptural fountain which sits at the south end of Williams Tower in Uptown. The tower, the fountain and its surrounding park were designed by architect Philip Johnson.

Cafe Annie @ BLVD via swamplot

Café Annie is one of the most celebrated restaurants in town. With sophisticated food and ever evolving tastes, the chefs here are really working it. Expensive menus make it a special treat, or try their food to share at Bar Annie, every afternoon, where the goodness can be had for much less. Located at Post Oak and San Felipe just north of Westheimer.

Many streets are excessively large, with eight lanes in some places. Street level architectural flourishes verge on the futuristic. The Galleria attracts the most protests in Houston due to high traffic, difficult police enforcement and the ability to easily cause havoc.

Janitors' Protest at Post Oak Blvd
NYTimes

Upper Kirby: Sprawl in the City

Megan at the House of Guys
Mr. Wright

The best think about Upper Kirby is House of Pies. This 24 hour establishment holds tender memories for many, and they have the greasy Monte Christo and O’Brien potatoes to prove it. The diner is always packed, but the crowd changes from elderly couples in the morning to second-hand businessmen and tourists in the afternoon. By nightfall groups of high school students have drank their weight in coffee. In the middle of the night the restaurant is affectionately known as the “House of Guys” for the flamboyant groups on their way home from a night on the town mixing with sleep deprived college students and tables of policemen. Offering a selection of early forty cakes and pies, there is never a bad time for House of Pies.

slackdarr

Driving down Westheimer, Alabama or Richmond will get you to either Montrose or the Galleria, and the streets of Upper Kirby are lined with many replica telephone booths which resemble those in London, as well as replica British mail boxes.

Reenactment of Ant Farm's Kidnapping Buckminster Fuller
julia.in.the.rye

Rice Village: Town in the City

Just south of the 59 Freeway on Kirby Drive, Rice Village is the local spot for the affluent neighborhoods of University Place and West University. Anchored by a busy Half Price Books at the corner of University Avenue, the Village has grown incredibly over the last few years, but if you can bear the traffic there is still a significant charm to the place. In addition to good shopping, the Village holds three French restaurants, two Japanese, two Chinese, two Italian, a Mexican, two Spanish, a Mediterranean, a Vietnamese, an Indian, and three Thai restaurants. The best Reuben in the world, with purple sauerkraut, can be had at Kahn’s Delicatessen on Rice Boulevard. Next door at Salento the cappuccino is always hot, the conversation in French and the music live jazz.

Lunch at Goode Company Seafood, Patrick and Eleanor
poopscape

Just off the Kirby exit at US59, at the corner of Westpark, Houston’s Restaurant serves exquisite meals that are both delicate and hearty. Nearby is the decadent Goode Co. Barbeque and around the corner on Westpark is Goode Co. Seafood, where everything is is fresh out of the Gulf. We always get a dozen oysters and iced tea.

Downtown Houston: Metropolitan Island

photo by j-a-x - props to houstonist

Houston is large, but definitely not urban. The one exception is downtown, home to corporations like Continental Airlines, Exxon Mobil and Halliburton. Many skyscrapers were designed by architect Philip Johnson, including Pennzoil Place- two towers, shaped like trapezoids with tops angled at 45 degrees. The tallest building in Texas is the Chase Tower, designed by I.M. Pei.

Pennzoil Place

High taste is also in good supply in downtown, where the theatre district boasts the second most seats in an American city, only beaten by New York. Book a ticket to the Alley Theatre for Shakespeare and David Mamet, or the Hobby Center for Jersey Boys and Sweeney Todd. The Houston Ballet, Grand Opera and Symphony are also located within the six square block Theatre District. On the shores of Buffalo Bayou, even more entertainment is in store. Verizon Theater is a major venue for pop, country and rock acts and the Angelika Theatre is the coldest movie theater in town. The Aquarium is a theme restaurant and small carnival featuring a roller coaster right next to sixteen lanes of traffic on the overpass.

Main Street was touted as a resurgent scene during the Super Bowl held in Houston in 2003, but the shine wore off soon after. There are many good bars between Capitol and Congress, but don’t expect a crowd. The best nights for downtown are when the Rockets, Texans or Astros have a game at home. Minute Maid Park is only six blocks from Main Street, and the Rockets arena, Toyota Center, is two stops away on the rail line. Texans games are played south of the Medical Center at the new Reliant Stadium next to the Astrodome, but the rail line means that fans can park elsewhere in the city without having to drive through traffic or pay for parking.

Notsuoh (Houston backwards) is a hole-in-the-wall speakeasy that has survived through thick and thin in downtown since the 70s, and the chess playing, Lone Star drinking crowd is unlike any on earth. Next door to the great old neon sign “Dean’s Credit Clothing”, Notsuoh is located on Main at Preston Street.

There is a system of tunnels under downtown Houston that forms a network of subterranean, climate-controlled, pedestrian walkways that link twenty-five full city blocks and house amenities like Ziggy’s Restaurant and Starbucks.

Can't forget Discovery Green... good press about it HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE (Flickr group)

Warehouse District: Artists and Yuppies

renegadebuddha

In the Warehouse District, artists’ warehouses still dominate the landscape, but the refurbishing of industrial buildings and construction of new apartment complexes and townhomes is changing the neighborhood from a sleepy backyard into the suburb that everyone forgot about.

See great art exhibits at Diverseworks and Fotofest or stop by the Last Concert Café for folk music and margaritas. Underground art events usually happen in this neighborhood, where neighbors are few and far between. Be warned that you should have explicit directions for getting somewhere in the Warehouse District, as the older streets are narrow and sometimes confusing.

Skeez 181

McKee Street Bridge

Midtown Houston: Little Saigon is now Little Manhattan

pic via swamplot

The Vietnamese community has created a thriving center for Vietnamese-owned businesses in Midtown, affectionately (and now officially) called "Little Saigon" a district characterized by street signs displayed in Vietnamese. Cali Sandwich, Van Loc and Givral’s Sandwiches are just a few of the great examples of Vietnamese cuisine to be had in Houston. Vietnamese Catholic convents and Buddhist shrines dot the neighborhood, and many stores are named in Vietnamese.

The neighborhood has undergone a radical transformation in the last two years, with mixed-use development creating pockets of urban living rarely seen in Houston. This has been complementary to the upscale clubs and restaurants which have opened here recently and excelled at making Midtown a destination for young professionals.

groovehouse

Midtown pdf map HERE