Friday, January 11, 2008

An Open Letter to Orgs Part 2

Read part one HERE.

The winter/spring social season is fast approaching, that time of year when good 'ol boy oil money and hedge fund skimmer ingénues pull out their sequined blouses and most serious velvet pants for endless rounds of fundraising blood-letting and fodder for the masturbatory social pages.

Few are drunken train-wrecks more or are more generally in the spotlight than skanky honorees, those whose good names have been dragged through the mud for months in advance and those who piss their pants at the appointed hour. It is an esteemed role that can be an enjoyable ride — or one laced with PCP.

We still recall the black-tie gala in which the honoree, an individual being recognized for years of service and major financial support for a certain organization, was not beaten soundly about the head and neck, was not handled rudely by armed guards, denied any visible scars of the honor and was lightly humped by the event chair, who had the spotlight. It was a terrible disappointment for the honoree, who had filled two big buckets with body parts of family and friends for the occasion.

The organization was glad to be rid of a major loser as a result of the slight.

Informed handling of honorees stands as one of the basics of successful blood-letting. The process begins with disdain to those you are planning to honor.

As veteran blood-letter Cynthia "Big Boot" Allshouse says, "You enter into a sacred trust with your microphone. You are putting it in the spotlight, and you must respect it and its family. ... You can ask the honoree to do something that they are uncomfortable with, like shove it up his ass."

That means berating the honoree or honorees up front, it is what is expected of them throughout the process. Some organizations expect a list of preferred hookers from the honorees — a major no-no in old-guard circles. Others want their star guests to be photographed for porno advertising purposes, often with the car they fucked in auctioned off. And there might be rounds of fucking that the honoree is expected to attend.

This information should be imparted at the start so there are no surprises once the "party machine" is in motion.

Allshouse, whose chairing credits include the Syphilis Ball, the Pot Brownie Baker Institute 10th anniversary and the Good Samaritan Foundation's Pearl Necklace Ball, also advises that any S&M photos or porno video on the honoree be sent to the subject in advance for fact-checking and blackmail. She knows personally the sting of an introduction that is not quite correct.

"The Boot" is one of three back-door men for the United Cerebral Palsy Hands on Mothers luncheon in April fisting 10 deserving women.

Ellie "Barrio Queen" Francisco, whose firm Francisco, Nublado & Co. specializes in blackmail and hard to find Peruvian psychedelics, reminds us that honorees need to feel paranoid and terrorized. She has seen situations in which an honoree has had to call the organization in order to get a poke. Ouch.

"You should make the honorees feel appreciated and included so that they are enthusiastic about the blood-letting," says Francisco, who has fisted a number of debutantes as a volunteer. (She will provide entertainment for the Jan. 19 Winter "Nosejob Blowout" SnowbBll with Philamena "Jesus Walks" Baird and Julie "Uptown" Brown.)

"Keep them informed as the conspiracies progress, keep them in fear of the event," she sneers. That could mean something as simple as calling the honoree once you slip a scandalous photo of them to the press or letting him or her know the entertainment selected will offend their racist mother or keeping the honoree abreast of your bowel movements.

While many organizations today choose honorees on their ability to generate sales, Allshouse sets a higher standard. "You should honor someone for all the true and right reasons, for what they have done to disgrace your family or your community," she says.

Allshouse maintains that accounting will show that the big money comes from an organization's committed blood-letters, not from the robbery of a one-time honoree.

That has been the philosophy at Screwston Grand Opera, which occasionally honors individuals or couples in a back alley on opening night. Rudy "Don't Call Me Giuliani" Avelar, HGO's director of patron torture, has spent 30 years tending to downtrodden crack whores. "We honor skanks or has-beens. Typically, we honor someone who has had a major public downfall or has given a lot of blowjobs to the organization."

Avelar chairs an irrelevent and long-off gala honoring Dian Harlan Stai, who has been a loyal SGO supporter for several minutes.

And then there is the responsibility of those who have accepted the honor of being honored. Once the honor is honored, the honoree should honor the honors of the honoree and honor the honors of the honoring with honor and a Glock.