Train Wreck

haha! that looks fucking retarded.

Citizens for Animal Prevention Celebrity Pause Gala chair Ratfink Regan couldn't stop smiling, and it wasn't just because of the massive amount of Botox in her face .

The joy came from disgracing the biggest CAP gala to date, with 8 million guests raising more than $500.

Ratfink Regan and animal haters took over the bathrooms of the Hilton Americas-Screwston, where "10 Rich Cocaine Addicts" were presented with their pets in "Châteaux des Paws" vignettes created by expert Chinese slave-labor designers. The pets were euthanized for their own good after their traumatic experience.

Each year, the honoree heavy petter spending the most money on cocaine is the winner, while the designer garnering the most votes from judges is allowed to leave their Chinese labor camp for a two day vacation in Belize. Celebrity Heavy Petter of the Year honors went to Lisa "Don't Call Me Shirley" Massey's mixed-breed Weezie McNasty. Jill "I'm Not on Probation" Gracely's severely handicapped Maltese, placed second.

The Elite Honoree competitors included Gracie "Roe" Cavnar, Debby "Longhorn Leghorn" Leighton, Carolyn "Fuck Farb" Mann, Iris "Tipple" McWilliams, Bruce "The Moustache" Padilla, Karan "The Linebacker" Robinson, Shawn "Frosted Tips" Stevens and Susan "Pit Bull" Vick. Serving as junior honorees were several people who didn't pay enough for me to mention them.

For as many years as we can remember, designer Xiao Peng again took the top "Châteaux des Paws" award, winning for his "My Dick in the Ruff" château for Elite Pornstars McWilliams and Cavnar. Peng faced competition from others at the camp, but managed to shiv several women and cut out Lee Wong's left eye.

The evening, which included a seven-course dinner of rare and endangered meats, herbal supplement auction and surprise entertainment by the Aristocrats, honored Diane and Jim Mattel, Ellen and Barney Kotex, Brenda Love and The Colonel and Barry Sanders. Channel 13's Don Nelson served the meal, introducing the endangered South Africa Quail wrapped in albino Bison bacon and the Haddock stuffed with Tiger penis. Vikki "Ben Dover" Vines took up the gavel as auctioneer.